Interesting November 2021

November - the month I never pay attention to. Because It is before December, so usually this is the month I always planning for the coming Christmas or New year events. But This year 2021, November has been different. Not special, just Different.

This month I was so so busy with work. Because I just accepted a job from Meritz to do their SST submission. I haven't accept new job for quite some time. This one has been challenging, but after getting it complete is satisfy. Not because the money I can earn from it, but no one has really guide me through and I have figured it all out by myself. That is worth a pat on the shoulder. 

Second, I attended Annual Methodist Conference on Zoom. Well... nothing special about it, just a note to my diary here.

Thirdly, last week, I met edward at office coincidental.  I hasn't meet him for 3 years already....He still very sweet and nice towards me. But he is a nice guy to everyone so it is nothing. 2 years ago, one day out of the blue, I thought to myself "eh......Edward can be my future partner in life". He is the type of man that I would be attract to. I really don't know where did I get the ideas from, this thought just pop out from my mind. From that day onward I was imaging it is quite nice to be around him and spend time with him etc. Well.....after I have that thought, I never met him again until last week. Is not like I fall in love with him, but i just thought it can be something to consider.

And such a coincidental, Joseph called me on the day I met Edward. He was back in miri. He want to meet me. But because I have to attend conference, I only met him till Friday. You know what... this lunch meeting has been the shortest meeting we had. We always talked like 3-4 hours if we haven't met for quite some time. But that day, I don't know why we got nothing to talk at all. 

Maybe because my mind was on my Meritz SST submission thus I wasn't in mood to chit chat. Or maybe the chemistry between us has gone. Everything he said isn't sound interesting to me anymore, not only it is not interesting, it sort of annoyed me. I am not into anything he did and said anymore. Isn't it strange? When your affection towards someone has gone, it gone. 

My whole mind is about edward. Well....compare to the old times, my feeling towards love has been declining. Enable to meet someone and care for you for life is such a wishful thinking. Although most of the couples around me they has been together for 30,40 50 years and still care so much for each other. But you know, it is not a norm. Many many couples break up, divorce, separate.... so stay together for life is not a norm.  

Today is the last day of November, and November has been interesting....

Hello December, treat me well...see you soon.....

Update on life

 Helloo...September 2021,

Has been a hectic month because of 2 weddings. Finally got it over and now I am welcoming 2022 to come. Another 3 months to go before 2022 arrive. I am going to do a overview of 2021 soon as I have already listed out all the things that I have archived this year. 

He called me on 9th Sept after the wedding of Casa. We talked for almost a hour. Nothing sweet, nothing strong feeling, really just like 2 friends catching up with each other. I think this conversation went better than the one we have on Apr 2021. I called him on Apr and ask him about account. That call ended up quite uncomfortable because I felt like I have been boosting myself the whole time. Anyway good or bad call doesn't really matter to me anymore. 

Next month is his birthday month. In 2020 I met him during Oct but we only meet at The Maker for coffee only. Wah...Why am I remembering all this time with him when I really have no feeling for him at all?? That's how boring my life.

Pau video called me from Solomon today and told me she has flirt with a young man (26yo)...She said is not a flirt but I think it is. And, this flirt make her anxiety attack. Luckily that young man went back home and no longer at Solomon. Just to record it down here so maybe when I looked back few years times it would seem interesting to me.

This month of 20th was my Baby Peter and Judy 3rd birthday. Judy wasn't feeling very well and I suspect is the toothache. Peter is doing fine and as naughty as before. They are really so sweet. This morning I took picture of mum's graduation and both of them lying near us just to watch it. They really are so clingy to me and I love them so so much. I always wondering whether they can feel my love for them? Peter and Judy, please be long live and stay longer with me for the coming years.........

I am very into seeking my soul recently and wanting to try new things to calm my mind and soul and also seek inside myself so I can have a better understanding about myself. The main reason to do so is for the purpose of improving myself in the coming years to come. This year when I was checking my goal that I set at the beginning of the year, I realize by listing out and also do the planning can really make me easier to archive my goal. Most important is to clear out all the wrong decision that I previously make and correct it. If I keep ignore it, my life and financial can never improve. So setting goal is really important and also do the planning early.

Started this month I have bought a new online software call Sweet Home 3D to improve my home plan drawing. My goodness, by looking back the house plan that I did previously I should start to use this earlier. Let me show you my new home plan: 

This software is really cool and not expensive to own. This is not monthly subscription to pay, is a one time payment. Although it is not many furniture accessories to choose from, but is good enough for me. But I am not sure after 10 years I would have financial ready for make this renovation. I am trying not to exaggerate the whole design, try to make it as simple and less changes as possible. But there is a lot of hidden area which I would have overlook. 

New Floor Plan @04.08.2021

Upstair floor plan

Downstair Floor Plan
 

Living Alone

source: Yaoyao Ma Van As

 Recently I have watched many Youtubers who are living alone and share their life through vlog with the viewers.  Somehow it makes me thinking I would be living alone in the future, mainly 8 to 10 years times. Would I be enjoying it? Actually now I am living with mum only, which consider a very quiet lifestyle also. So I think it wouldn't make a big difference as well. Just I can change some of the things that I am not comfortable of to the way I want. 

As my last few post mentioned, I am drawing floor plan for the renovation that I am thinking to change the layout of the house. One things that I really hate for the current layout of the house is the wet kitchen and the outside that I fed my cats. So hot and Itchy!! Yes, the mosquito and fly issues are so serious which really really make me nuts!! One more thing that really get in my nerves is I can't open the air-con whenever I want. Especially nowadays the weather is crazily hot and I am like living in a hot pot every single day.

Ya, so if I am allow to change these two issues, then living alone or staying with mum wouldn't be much different. Mum always said I would be so pity and nothing to eat when she is no longer with me. But meal issue is nothing for me. I believe I can learn to cook over the time when I have more chance to cook for myself. Living alone also means no one control when would I go to work, When would I have my meal, When would I want to sleep. 

Back to renovation plan, Over these few months, I have changed tremendously for the plan. I cut down many areas which I think is not essential to change the layout. Renovation seriously is a big things because it burns money!! By spending a lot but didn't get the mood or feel that we want is a common issues for many home owner. So that's why I need to plan it over ten years times and keep changing and observe the habit that I have so that after renovate, this house would be in a shape that suit my lifestyle as well as being practical about it. For example I think to myself, which area would I be staying in the most time when I am at home? TV Area. So this area needs a comfortable sofa that I can lie on and the air conditioner that I can on it anytime I want. So If this area needs to be cool all the time, the air conditioner needs to be in smaller size. Because It is not practical to on a big air conditioner for one person to stay in, right??

Another areas which I think I would be using a lot would be dry and wet kitchen. Dry kitchen for breakfast and wet kitchen for dinner. I don't like the current hood and cooking hob. I don't like the height of the basin also. So dry and wet kitchen would be a areas that would burn my renovation budget.

source: Yaoyao Ma Van As

 

10 year journal

What would I be doing 10 years from now? What is my ideal lifestyle in 10 years? What can I do now so that I can achieve what I hope my life would turn out. I know life is unpredictable and we never know what would happen tomorrow or whether we would still be alive in 10 years. 

I asked myself, what is my biggest fear for my future? My answer is my HEALTH. I am worry I wouldn't be  healthy enough to work, I am worry I would get some sickness or cancer that I wouldn't able to take care of myself and need help from others. I am worry I haven't save enough money to pay my hospital bill (although I have medical insurance). Ya...My biggest fear is my Health. 

Another fear that I would have is my business wouldn't be able to sustain due to lack of clients. So how much money need to be save so that I wouldn't run into financial deficiency. How much money I need in order to retired? 

From now on I want to use this blog to record some of my though about my future so that I can refer it back in 10 years times. Below is the 5 benefits of having a 10 year journal.

5 Benefits of Having a 10-Year Journal 

1) Can be used to record changes in the family over time, such as a child growing up. 

2) Good for keeping track of personal goals, like starting a business. 

3) Can be used to record memorable events. 

4) Helps organize thoughts and information. 

5) Lets you see changes in yourself over time.

Second, I want to talk about my goals and the kind of lifestyle that I wish I can have. Being alone definitely is the future I need to face, so what can I do that make my alone time interesting? I am planning to renovate my current house and even have a floor plan for it already. 

Above is my initial plan for the renovation. But that are a lot of details need to be decide. For downstairs, the biggest changes would be demolish the window wall of the dry kitchen and make it to the ceiling to floor french window. For the laundry room, the wall would build up to the current area to make it into indoor. As for the patio, would also wall it up to make it to the Home theater. Another major changes would be the roof part. From the living room to the car porch area all the ceiling part need to be change. The entrance to the living room would extend 4 ft more. 

Another major renovate ideas would be changing all living room ceiling to make it higher. But this part I can't decide whether to do it or not because it initially not within my plan. But I think to make the ceiling higher would definitely make the room to look a lot different. In order to do it I might need to cut somewhere else in order to fit into my budget. Still thinking...not finalise yet.

Another renovation ideas is the pantry and dishware cabinet, this part relate to whether I want to extend upper stair and roof. 

For the upstair plan, not much changes to the layout, all remain the same structure except for the Master bedroom and Bedroom #4 which I wish to add in a bathroom to it. So that Every room has their own bathroom. The original bathroom that is outside of the Bedroom #3 would turn into a walk in entrance to Bedroom #2 and Bedroom #3. Both entrance to the room would move to this area. 

Again how far would I extend the room to make it to the en suite for Master room haven't been decide yet. And because of the 2 extra bathroom, I need to have another sewer installed to the front of the house. 

Seem like it is going to be a big project and going to spend a lot of money. Although It excite me to just think about the new layout for the house, but from all the experience from all previous home renovate owner, they would said home renovate would be a nightmare.

Because there are a lot of things to consider and decide and would run into a lot of problem with contractor.  Well, for now I just want to record my though here. My mindset definitely would change over time. 

Looking back at this blog, I have secretly kept this blog for 10 years now.  Oh my my..  this is so amazing...... I have secretly keep it for 10 years time!! Although I didn't update as much and have 2 years missing from this blog (2015 & 2016), But it is good to look back my old posts and knowing how did I felt last time. 

Of course from 2010-2014, all the posts related to Jo. Well, I started this blog because of him, so definitely most of the post was about him. I was sad and depressed, I was so struggled about my thought and reality. I thought God would bring us together and be husband and wife. I though I heard a voice from God promised me He would give Jo to me as my life partner. I was wrong, so wrong.

Now looking back 10 years ago, I am great I am no longer in that feeling. I am not longer miss him. I am no longer want to spend the rest of my life with him. 

I hope I can continue this blog for another 10 years from 2021-2030.  Or I might move this blog to a proper blog so that I can continue it forever. Thank you Blogger to provide this platform for us to record down our memories and have a place for us to keep our memories.  Thank you!!

 

 

Sad Year 2021

2 more days to Chinese New Year but all I can felt now is sad..angry..hopeless...I seldom felt like this but don't know why 2021 has been an emotional breakdown for me. Inadvertently last Sunday when all siblings back and gathering, My sisters told me mum breakdown in tear because I threw her stuff away. WHAT!! I was thinking I was throwing rubbish away but she said as if I was throw her precious things away. Oh My Goodness.....I tried not to lost my temper although I was burning angry inside. Especially they were saying it in a reproaching way. 

Ya..ya..Ya...Is all my fault by trying to turn the house we are living to a more tidy and cleaner environment for everyone. Is all my fault to try to improve the house to a more pleasant way. Is all my fault trying to contribute to this house and helping around which I though I am reducing mum's burden. I spent my own money buying stuff to make the house more function-able. Every Sunday I clean and clean so that everyone come to a clean house. Now is all my fault for trying too hard to make the house look more cheerful for CNY.

The thought of moving out has crossed my mind thousand times during these few months. My cats are living under pressure everyday, I can't do anything to this house even though the lamp in my room has broken for few months already. What should I do? 

 Be realistic .... Can I afford to buy a house now? If not, what right do I have? If got no place to move, don't even thinking about moving out. I keep telling myself just bear for few more years then I can have a whole place on my own. Why need to rush for it? If I moved out now, whole family would blame me for being un-filial daughter. I lose a million ringgit worth of house, and mum might ask her money back from my ASNB. What for? 

Sad...It just so sad for me to think this way. At the end, what is real love? That's no real love in this world. Everyone is selfish. All of us only think of ourselves. Whoever is blocking our way, whoever not follow what we want, we dislike them. We use power to control them so they would listen to us. Mum use the power of "this house is belong to me, you must follow my way." That's her love to me. Before this I really think I love my mum. I though to myself I don't mind taking care of her when she is old and need physical help from me. I really though I don't mind. But now I felt her love to me has changed. She likes Sara so much more and she told her everything. I felt betray, I felt hurt, I felt unfair. 

I though I would contribute to this house whatever way I can, I though I would sacrifice everything for this family, I though I would help up whatever way I can for this family, But now I don't feel like this anymore. No One would appreciate me....No one would say Thank You....All they want is for me to bear with mum in whatever unreasonable way she wants. It doesn't matter to them that I don't get a fix the light in my own room, It doesn't matter I wants to make the house to a pleasant place to stay. It doesn't matter all the rubbish around the house and messy like rubbish tray. 

I hope my next post would be a happier post.....

New Year, New Start?

 Now is 8:43pm, very unusual time for me to open my laptop as usually I would be at my room prepare to sleep and watching YouTube. I wasn't feeling very happy....I feel stuck.....Stuck at a place where I don't know what can I do so that I would have a lifestyle that I wish I have. The main reason for my unhappiness is because me and my mum having cold war. I have already lost count on how many times have we having argument this week. 2021 has only started 4 days, I think we had our argument for so many times already. 

Yes, I am tired. I know she is tired also. Although we weren't having very big fight but I know both of us feel stuck with each other, and we are not the same thinking kinda person so both of us always disagree with what each of us did or planning to do. Maybe we have stuck together for the whole 2020, haven't have our own times for so long, so we feel very sick of each others. I don't know her, but this is how I feel now. 

Hate this pandemic that I can't go anywhere!! I intend to go for a short trip since last Feb....My goodness...Has been a year!! I have mentioned in this blog I want to go for a short trip last Feb!! No wonder I feel so xian!! I have been in this routine for so long.....go to work at 9 sth, came home around 3 sth, then went for spinning each alternative day...came home, waiting for my bedtime!! Gosh....Can I have something new in my life!! When can I get out of this house and do something differently for few days....??

Whenever I saw my two babies, Peter and Judy want to stay indoor so much but I can't let them do so, I felt so bad. I felt like I am such a loser, can't even grant them such simple wish. I know they are just cat to other people, but to me they are my babies. Hai......I feel so down tonight...very unusual for me. What happen? What happen to me? I told them they might not able to stay home as a house cat for their entire life. I feel so bad …I have to choose between my mum and my cat....My gosh....

Should I get myself a house of my own? Of course no lah....this idea has run through my mind every time I have argument with mum.  Hai ~~ I want to go OVERSEA!!