10 year journal

What would I be doing 10 years from now? What is my ideal lifestyle in 10 years? What can I do now so that I can achieve what I hope my life would turn out. I know life is unpredictable and we never know what would happen tomorrow or whether we would still be alive in 10 years. 

I asked myself, what is my biggest fear for my future? My answer is my HEALTH. I am worry I wouldn't be  healthy enough to work, I am worry I would get some sickness or cancer that I wouldn't able to take care of myself and need help from others. I am worry I haven't save enough money to pay my hospital bill (although I have medical insurance). Ya...My biggest fear is my Health. 

Another fear that I would have is my business wouldn't be able to sustain due to lack of clients. So how much money need to be save so that I wouldn't run into financial deficiency. How much money I need in order to retired? 

From now on I want to use this blog to record some of my though about my future so that I can refer it back in 10 years times. Below is the 5 benefits of having a 10 year journal.

5 Benefits of Having a 10-Year Journal 

1) Can be used to record changes in the family over time, such as a child growing up. 

2) Good for keeping track of personal goals, like starting a business. 

3) Can be used to record memorable events. 

4) Helps organize thoughts and information. 

5) Lets you see changes in yourself over time.

Second, I want to talk about my goals and the kind of lifestyle that I wish I can have. Being alone definitely is the future I need to face, so what can I do that make my alone time interesting? I am planning to renovate my current house and even have a floor plan for it already. 

Above is my initial plan for the renovation. But that are a lot of details need to be decide. For downstairs, the biggest changes would be demolish the window wall of the dry kitchen and make it to the ceiling to floor french window. For the laundry room, the wall would build up to the current area to make it into indoor. As for the patio, would also wall it up to make it to the Home theater. Another major changes would be the roof part. From the living room to the car porch area all the ceiling part need to be change. The entrance to the living room would extend 4 ft more. 

Another major renovate ideas would be changing all living room ceiling to make it higher. But this part I can't decide whether to do it or not because it initially not within my plan. But I think to make the ceiling higher would definitely make the room to look a lot different. In order to do it I might need to cut somewhere else in order to fit into my budget. Still thinking...not finalise yet.

Another renovation ideas is the pantry and dishware cabinet, this part relate to whether I want to extend upper stair and roof. 

For the upstair plan, not much changes to the layout, all remain the same structure except for the Master bedroom and Bedroom #4 which I wish to add in a bathroom to it. So that Every room has their own bathroom. The original bathroom that is outside of the Bedroom #3 would turn into a walk in entrance to Bedroom #2 and Bedroom #3. Both entrance to the room would move to this area. 

Again how far would I extend the room to make it to the en suite for Master room haven't been decide yet. And because of the 2 extra bathroom, I need to have another sewer installed to the front of the house. 

Seem like it is going to be a big project and going to spend a lot of money. Although It excite me to just think about the new layout for the house, but from all the experience from all previous home renovate owner, they would said home renovate would be a nightmare.

Because there are a lot of things to consider and decide and would run into a lot of problem with contractor.  Well, for now I just want to record my though here. My mindset definitely would change over time. 

Looking back at this blog, I have secretly kept this blog for 10 years now.  Oh my my..  this is so amazing...... I have secretly keep it for 10 years time!! Although I didn't update as much and have 2 years missing from this blog (2015 & 2016), But it is good to look back my old posts and knowing how did I felt last time. 

Of course from 2010-2014, all the posts related to Jo. Well, I started this blog because of him, so definitely most of the post was about him. I was sad and depressed, I was so struggled about my thought and reality. I thought God would bring us together and be husband and wife. I though I heard a voice from God promised me He would give Jo to me as my life partner. I was wrong, so wrong.

Now looking back 10 years ago, I am great I am no longer in that feeling. I am not longer miss him. I am no longer want to spend the rest of my life with him. 

I hope I can continue this blog for another 10 years from 2021-2030.  Or I might move this blog to a proper blog so that I can continue it forever. Thank you Blogger to provide this platform for us to record down our memories and have a place for us to keep our memories.  Thank you!!

 

 

Sad Year 2021

2 more days to Chinese New Year but all I can felt now is sad..angry..hopeless...I seldom felt like this but don't know why 2021 has been an emotional breakdown for me. Inadvertently last Sunday when all siblings back and gathering, My sisters told me mum breakdown in tear because I threw her stuff away. WHAT!! I was thinking I was throwing rubbish away but she said as if I was throw her precious things away. Oh My Goodness.....I tried not to lost my temper although I was burning angry inside. Especially they were saying it in a reproaching way. 

Ya..ya..Ya...Is all my fault by trying to turn the house we are living to a more tidy and cleaner environment for everyone. Is all my fault to try to improve the house to a more pleasant way. Is all my fault trying to contribute to this house and helping around which I though I am reducing mum's burden. I spent my own money buying stuff to make the house more function-able. Every Sunday I clean and clean so that everyone come to a clean house. Now is all my fault for trying too hard to make the house look more cheerful for CNY.

The thought of moving out has crossed my mind thousand times during these few months. My cats are living under pressure everyday, I can't do anything to this house even though the lamp in my room has broken for few months already. What should I do? 

 Be realistic .... Can I afford to buy a house now? If not, what right do I have? If got no place to move, don't even thinking about moving out. I keep telling myself just bear for few more years then I can have a whole place on my own. Why need to rush for it? If I moved out now, whole family would blame me for being un-filial daughter. I lose a million ringgit worth of house, and mum might ask her money back from my ASNB. What for? 

Sad...It just so sad for me to think this way. At the end, what is real love? That's no real love in this world. Everyone is selfish. All of us only think of ourselves. Whoever is blocking our way, whoever not follow what we want, we dislike them. We use power to control them so they would listen to us. Mum use the power of "this house is belong to me, you must follow my way." That's her love to me. Before this I really think I love my mum. I though to myself I don't mind taking care of her when she is old and need physical help from me. I really though I don't mind. But now I felt her love to me has changed. She likes Sara so much more and she told her everything. I felt betray, I felt hurt, I felt unfair. 

I though I would contribute to this house whatever way I can, I though I would sacrifice everything for this family, I though I would help up whatever way I can for this family, But now I don't feel like this anymore. No One would appreciate me....No one would say Thank You....All they want is for me to bear with mum in whatever unreasonable way she wants. It doesn't matter to them that I don't get a fix the light in my own room, It doesn't matter I wants to make the house to a pleasant place to stay. It doesn't matter all the rubbish around the house and messy like rubbish tray. 

I hope my next post would be a happier post.....

New Year, New Start?

 Now is 8:43pm, very unusual time for me to open my laptop as usually I would be at my room prepare to sleep and watching YouTube. I wasn't feeling very happy....I feel stuck.....Stuck at a place where I don't know what can I do so that I would have a lifestyle that I wish I have. The main reason for my unhappiness is because me and my mum having cold war. I have already lost count on how many times have we having argument this week. 2021 has only started 4 days, I think we had our argument for so many times already. 

Yes, I am tired. I know she is tired also. Although we weren't having very big fight but I know both of us feel stuck with each other, and we are not the same thinking kinda person so both of us always disagree with what each of us did or planning to do. Maybe we have stuck together for the whole 2020, haven't have our own times for so long, so we feel very sick of each others. I don't know her, but this is how I feel now. 

Hate this pandemic that I can't go anywhere!! I intend to go for a short trip since last Feb....My goodness...Has been a year!! I have mentioned in this blog I want to go for a short trip last Feb!! No wonder I feel so xian!! I have been in this routine for so long.....go to work at 9 sth, came home around 3 sth, then went for spinning each alternative day...came home, waiting for my bedtime!! Gosh....Can I have something new in my life!! When can I get out of this house and do something differently for few days....??

Whenever I saw my two babies, Peter and Judy want to stay indoor so much but I can't let them do so, I felt so bad. I felt like I am such a loser, can't even grant them such simple wish. I know they are just cat to other people, but to me they are my babies. Hai......I feel so down tonight...very unusual for me. What happen? What happen to me? I told them they might not able to stay home as a house cat for their entire life. I feel so bad …I have to choose between my mum and my cat....My gosh....

Should I get myself a house of my own? Of course no lah....this idea has run through my mind every time I have argument with mum.  Hai ~~ I want to go OVERSEA!!

2020- what a year

 Helloo...2020

Today is 28th Aug 2020. Today is my rest day as i have been busy with work for months due to the new submission date. Also today no one would come disturb my quiet time because they all travelling. Woohoo........

2020 has been a very special year...due to the pandemic covid 19, we all stuck at home and cannot make any oversea travelling. Which is quite a good way to save money. In my last post, I mentioned I want to find a quiet place to give myself some "ME" time. Unfortunately I wasn't able to do that till today. 

2020 really is a special year, it changes the world, it changes people normal way of living life. Nowadays we have to wear mask almost everyday and every place we went. I think I never wear mask except for going to Korea due to the weather. This pandemic changed some people life, they might lost their love one due to this illness, they might lost their job due to bad economic, they might get closer to their family because they stuck at home due to MCO (Movement Control Order). This is a new term, never at the past has this kinda pandemic ever happen. 

By God's blessing, my life still the same. Still working, still single, still stay with my mum, nothing much happen, which is a good things because it means I am very well. I thanks God for all the things that I have. I felt blessed by God. Although I am not as rich as others, although I am not as young looking as others, although I am not as successful as others, but I think I feel very settle, peace and calm. By looking at the people around me, especially my cousins, I don't know why they can be so "broken"? Is this the word to describe them? 

Not able to trust anyone including the family member is a pity. I am not saying my family wouldn't hurt my feeling, but I believe if you treat everyone with a truthful heart, people is going to do the same to you. ok...enough for today....bye

選擇

 她先是失去了對愛的信念，於是選擇嫁給錢，因為覺得可以不再需要愛情了，生活就是如此的「簡單」「安全」就好，但這些「簡單」跟「安全」是有代價的。

時間越來越長，這個代價讓她越來越受不住了⋯有一天遇到一個她想要的人，至於是不是真正想要的人並不重要，也許只是想要找一個出口離開那個代價吧！她自己稱之為～為愛勇敢一次～於是，她付出了更大的代價。

她從這一根浮木試圖跳到另外一根浮木，中間什麼也沒抓到⋯就沉了⋯親愛的女孩～你從來不需要浮木，妳可以自己游泳的呀

Hello...2020

Hello...2020...

This year started very normal for me. Nothing excited, nothing emotional...just a normal starting of a new year. Having New Year eve dinner at Sara's house, count down till midnight and went home to sleep. Since new year, I have only been to KL for 3 days for CNY shopping, And because of the coronavirus issues around the world, no one dare to travel anymore. But secretly I am planning going to KK for a break by myself. just for a short break. I am planning finding a nice hotel and stay at hotel 耍废.  Yes....would get quite boring and I dunno whether I am going to like it or not.

Think back the old times in 2014 I went to Taipei by myself and I don't really like the experience. Due to then fact that I didn't want to be alone walking in the city at night time thus I only stay at hotel room during night time. And I didn't go any restaurant to try any nice foods as I was reluctant to sit in a restaurant by myself. Moreover I didn't bring enough cash so the whole trip I was worry I don't have money to pay my hotel room and taxi fare at the end of the trip. Travel alone really need to bring enough money if not it would be a disaster because no one can help you in a foreign country. So I didn't enjoy it at all.

Since I choose to not having any life partner for the rest of my life, I guess I need to get used to travel alone. Seem like many person invite me to travel with them, like Ah ma and my cousins. So far I have only travel with my cousins to HK in 2017. The HK trip was quite good. The reason I don't want to travel with them now is because the two sisters didn't get along now. Not like last time when they are in good term. But now not anymore. Thus I can't travel with both of them together again.
As for ah ma and Ah pau, I think I would give it a try within this few years, wait till ah pau settle down in Miri then we plan a trip is better.

Yesterday I was quite upset as I didn't play well in church service. I know I was not doing well and I was upset already. Then when you were upset some church member aka friend from church came to me said even her bf who doesn't even know music said today I didn't play well . Okie... thanks for the "encouragement", you bitch. I know I made a mistake in one of the P&W song, but I don't need someone to remind me abt my mistake. Is that make you stronger by pushing someone down? Is that comment make you smarter than me? Is she trying to make me feel even discourage about becoming pianist?

I tried not care so much about her negative comments. It is a way to not letting people hurt my feeling and confident. I tried not to take this negative comments to affect my service in church because I did it for GOD not people. But honestly I am upset. My confidence did got destroy a bit, just a bit la. I wasn't very confident about the piano playing in church already. The ideas of quitting has crossed my mind many many times. Then this kinda negative comment from a "friend" really push me to quit. I am trying to act mature by not get mad with her. But I am UPSET!!

I dunno...I really struggle...

Galatians 5:18

Yesterday in the usual church services, the Scripture for the sermon was taken from Galatians 5: 14-26. I have been caught by one of the particular scripture, that's scripture 5:18,

       " But if you are lead by the spirit you are not under law"

It specially caught my attention strongly related to my recent desire of connecting to Holy Spirit. I am struggling with my life of making decision for my future. However I am pretty sure I can't make this decision with my limited knowledge about what would happen to me in the near future and I am sure I wouldn't make a best decision without the help and lead from my Lord,  my caring and faithful Lord.


I have been praying for years about this decision and I keep repeating the same things in my every prayer
         " Lead me, Lord, Thee Your will be done in me"

About 3 years ago, When I was so hopeless and helpless in my life, again, struggling to make the RIGHT decision for my future, I hear a voice............


Yes, a clear voice talking to my heart when I prayed, answering my questions, explaining what I have doubted....comforting me when I cried so hard and when I have acted like a lunatic. The voice must come from my Lord, through Holy spirit, telling me what I should do in His will for me.

After 3 years, I am still waiting for My Lord to finish what He has promised me. Although almost every single night, on my bed, I am still so lost and always doubt about what I have heard all these times. I have cried hard, I have screamed hard, I have prayed hard, just want to hear His voice. And His voice never creased to comfort me and keep me in faith and hope. Thanks You Lord. I know You have a greater plan than I prayed to You.

Ok, back to the scripture that was caught my attention. Galatians 5:18 is saying If you are lead by spirit, you are NOT under law. First thing come to my mind when I read this scripture is that "is it mean If I am lead by the holy spirit, I can only listen to what He has told me, even though the things that He has promised me seems to against His law.

I am talking about divorce. God hates divorce. I have searched around the issue about God's perspective on divorce. Unfortunately I still can't find my answer.