2020- what a year

 Helloo...2020

Today is 28th Aug 2020. Today is my rest day as i have been busy with work for months due to the new submission date. Also today no one would come disturb my quiet time because they all travelling. Woohoo........

2020 has been a very special year...due to the pandemic covid 19, we all stuck at home and cannot make any oversea travelling. Which is quite a good way to save money. In my last post, I mentioned I want to find a quiet place to give myself some "ME" time. Unfortunately I wasn't able to do that till today. 

2020 really is a special year, it changes the world, it changes people normal way of living life. Nowadays we have to wear mask almost everyday and every place we went. I think I never wear mask except for going to Korea due to the weather. This pandemic changed some people life, they might lost their love one due to this illness, they might lost their job due to bad economic, they might get closer to their family because they stuck at home due to MCO (Movement Control Order). This is a new term, never at the past has this kinda pandemic ever happen. 

By God's blessing, my life still the same. Still working, still single, still stay with my mum, nothing much happen, which is a good things because it means I am very well. I thanks God for all the things that I have. I felt blessed by God. Although I am not as rich as others, although I am not as young looking as others, although I am not as successful as others, but I think I feel very settle, peace and calm. By looking at the people around me, especially my cousins, I don't know why they can be so "broken"? Is this the word to describe them? 

Not able to trust anyone including the family member is a pity. I am not saying my family wouldn't hurt my feeling, but I believe if you treat everyone with a truthful heart, people is going to do the same to you. ok...enough for today....bye

選擇

 她先是失去了對愛的信念，於是選擇嫁給錢，因為覺得可以不再需要愛情了，生活就是如此的「簡單」「安全」就好，但這些「簡單」跟「安全」是有代價的。

時間越來越長，這個代價讓她越來越受不住了⋯有一天遇到一個她想要的人，至於是不是真正想要的人並不重要，也許只是想要找一個出口離開那個代價吧！她自己稱之為～為愛勇敢一次～於是，她付出了更大的代價。

她從這一根浮木試圖跳到另外一根浮木，中間什麼也沒抓到⋯就沉了⋯親愛的女孩～你從來不需要浮木，妳可以自己游泳的呀

Hello...2020

Hello...2020...

This year started very normal for me. Nothing excited, nothing emotional...just a normal starting of a new year. Having New Year eve dinner at Sara's house, count down till midnight and went home to sleep. Since new year, I have only been to KL for 3 days for CNY shopping, And because of the coronavirus issues around the world, no one dare to travel anymore. But secretly I am planning going to KK for a break by myself. just for a short break. I am planning finding a nice hotel and stay at hotel 耍废.  Yes....would get quite boring and I dunno whether I am going to like it or not.

Think back the old times in 2014 I went to Taipei by myself and I don't really like the experience. Due to then fact that I didn't want to be alone walking in the city at night time thus I only stay at hotel room during night time. And I didn't go any restaurant to try any nice foods as I was reluctant to sit in a restaurant by myself. Moreover I didn't bring enough cash so the whole trip I was worry I don't have money to pay my hotel room and taxi fare at the end of the trip. Travel alone really need to bring enough money if not it would be a disaster because no one can help you in a foreign country. So I didn't enjoy it at all.

Since I choose to not having any life partner for the rest of my life, I guess I need to get used to travel alone. Seem like many person invite me to travel with them, like Ah ma and my cousins. So far I have only travel with my cousins to HK in 2017. The HK trip was quite good. The reason I don't want to travel with them now is because the two sisters didn't get along now. Not like last time when they are in good term. But now not anymore. Thus I can't travel with both of them together again.
As for ah ma and Ah pau, I think I would give it a try within this few years, wait till ah pau settle down in Miri then we plan a trip is better.

Yesterday I was quite upset as I didn't play well in church service. I know I was not doing well and I was upset already. Then when you were upset some church member aka friend from church came to me said even her bf who doesn't even know music said today I didn't play well . Okie... thanks for the "encouragement", you bitch. I know I made a mistake in one of the P&W song, but I don't need someone to remind me abt my mistake. Is that make you stronger by pushing someone down? Is that comment make you smarter than me? Is she trying to make me feel even discourage about becoming pianist?

I tried not care so much about her negative comments. It is a way to not letting people hurt my feeling and confident. I tried not to take this negative comments to affect my service in church because I did it for GOD not people. But honestly I am upset. My confidence did got destroy a bit, just a bit la. I wasn't very confident about the piano playing in church already. The ideas of quitting has crossed my mind many many times. Then this kinda negative comment from a "friend" really push me to quit. I am trying to act mature by not get mad with her. But I am UPSET!!

I dunno...I really struggle...

Galatians 5:18

Yesterday in the usual church services, the Scripture for the sermon was taken from Galatians 5: 14-26. I have been caught by one of the particular scripture, that's scripture 5:18,

       " But if you are lead by the spirit you are not under law"

It specially caught my attention strongly related to my recent desire of connecting to Holy Spirit. I am struggling with my life of making decision for my future. However I am pretty sure I can't make this decision with my limited knowledge about what would happen to me in the near future and I am sure I wouldn't make a best decision without the help and lead from my Lord,  my caring and faithful Lord.


I have been praying for years about this decision and I keep repeating the same things in my every prayer
         " Lead me, Lord, Thee Your will be done in me"

About 3 years ago, When I was so hopeless and helpless in my life, again, struggling to make the RIGHT decision for my future, I hear a voice............


Yes, a clear voice talking to my heart when I prayed, answering my questions, explaining what I have doubted....comforting me when I cried so hard and when I have acted like a lunatic. The voice must come from my Lord, through Holy spirit, telling me what I should do in His will for me.

After 3 years, I am still waiting for My Lord to finish what He has promised me. Although almost every single night, on my bed, I am still so lost and always doubt about what I have heard all these times. I have cried hard, I have screamed hard, I have prayed hard, just want to hear His voice. And His voice never creased to comfort me and keep me in faith and hope. Thanks You Lord. I know You have a greater plan than I prayed to You.

Ok, back to the scripture that was caught my attention. Galatians 5:18 is saying If you are lead by spirit, you are NOT under law. First thing come to my mind when I read this scripture is that "is it mean If I am lead by the holy spirit, I can only listen to what He has told me, even though the things that He has promised me seems to against His law.

I am talking about divorce. God hates divorce. I have searched around the issue about God's perspective on divorce. Unfortunately I still can't find my answer.

How times flied.....Half of 2018 has passed, what have I achieve in these 6 months??

Jan 2018: We went to Seoul, Korea for 8 days with Stephanie's Family

Feb 2018: We went to KL for CNY. This is the First year we celebrate it without daddy, which is pretty sad for all of us. Thanks God that all of us have a great time and mum stay strong throughout the whole trip, although we all felt so different without daddy with us to celebrate.

Mar 2018: We went back to Sibu for Annual Qin Min.

On 1st Mar, I also met Jo for bfast for the first time in  the past 7 years?? Can't remember when was the last time we have sat down and eat together.
We talked at mcd for nearly 4 hrs. I wouldn't said I miss having meal with him because I really didn't have special feeling for him anymore.  He is someone I was really familiar with, wouldn't feel awkward if I was close to him.


Pau also came back for holiday on Mar 18.

Apr 2018:  We went to Dad's cemetery on his birthday.

May 2018: GE14 Malaysia reborn on 9th May 2018. Malaysia woke up to a new dawn and new government. WoooHooo...

He has back to my life....for 3 months

He has back to my life for 3 months. It all happened when I was so down in my mood at the beginning of the year 2018 started.  I met him at church during 2017 Christmas time and seems like he wants to talk to me. But I was very reluctant to talk to him at that time because I really don't want to have him in my life anymore. I have moved on.....long time ago....he hasn't even cross my mind for maybe 5 years time? So why should I want him back and have contact with him again? I don't want him back to my life...............

But one Sunday morning, I was so down and sad. I need some find some comfort from people....So he was the only person that I have in mind that I want to get comfort from. On Monday, I have tried to get my temptation to call him out of my mind, I failed. I picked up the phone and call him. He wasn't in Miri,  he was in China. He said he would be back soon.

After one week, he called me in the morning to inform me he was back. I asked him our for breakfast one Thursday. That was 1st of Mar 2018. We talked for 4 hours at Mcd. He talked abt his family too....his daughter, his wife. These are the topics I can never touch on last time.  Now I can. Is it meaning I have no love feeling for him? I guess so. But I still very enjoy my time with him like old time.

After 1st of Mar 2018, we almost meet each other every week. Because I went to his house to practice piano. He taught me to play some church songs etc. Nothing intimacy between us.  We just like two best friends spending each other company. He has all the free time for me now, not like last time, he was always busy with works. I realized I never actually spend much time with him last time. Now when I went out with him, I don't have to always wear high heel like last time.

Anyway...now he was back to China for one month. He always said he wouldn't stay at Miri for long. He would left Miri anytime he settle his liquidation problem.  Well....I really don't have strong feeling for that....I guess I really can get him out of my love life now...

Hello Secret World....

Has been a while since I log myself into this blog. I nearly forgot I got such secret blog still exist online. Only recently I was chit chat with the cousin who wants to start blogging then i recalled I got a blog called Secret Cat. Reading back all the old post, really bringing back lots of memories.

My life hasn't been the same since then. I quit my job and start a new accounting firm, I was involving with different people, have new target for my love, been to more places....I guess i can said I have a better life since then.

I wanna share a thought here, something just happened last month which has proved to me how much GOD has protected me and love me.

Not able to have Jo in my life has been a pain in my heart for such long time. He is also the reason I created this secret blog so I was able to express my feeling here. I wasn't able to accept any new love because no one can replace his position in my heart. Only started two years ago when I started my new company, I was too busy with my new business, I really had no time for this love matter.

Cut the stories short, the reason I can't really accept new love ass also because no one is good enough if compare to him. Jo, from my perspective, is a capable man. Knows everything I dunno, can help me with all the problems I was facing. Earn good money etc...

But little did I know, the mall he was running has been liquidated and he would face bankruptcy if he can't settle the loan soon. He got forced out of the management team by liquidator and now sort of in jobless situation. What happen to my dream man???

Not that I was very surprise it happens. But it has bring some lights to me.

I am thankful for the opportunities that was given to me, although I have to learn some lessons in a harder way than others, but these lessons has make me a tougher woman also.