2 more days to Chinese New Year but all I can felt now is sad..angry..hopeless...I seldom felt like this but don't know why 2021 has been an emotional breakdown for me. Inadvertently last Sunday when all siblings back and gathering, My sisters told me mum breakdown in tear because I threw her stuff away. WHAT!! I was thinking I was throwing rubbish away but she said as if I was throw her precious things away. Oh My Goodness.....I tried not to lost my temper although I was burning angry inside. Especially they were saying it in a reproaching way.
Ya..ya..Ya...Is all my fault by trying to turn the house we are living to a more tidy and cleaner environment for everyone. Is all my fault to try to improve the house to a more pleasant way. Is all my fault trying to contribute to this house and helping around which I though I am reducing mum's burden. I spent my own money buying stuff to make the house more function-able. Every Sunday I clean and clean so that everyone come to a clean house. Now is all my fault for trying too hard to make the house look more cheerful for CNY.
The thought of moving out has crossed my mind thousand times during these few months. My cats are living under pressure everyday, I can't do anything to this house even though the lamp in my room has broken for few months already. What should I do?
Be realistic .... Can I afford to buy a house now? If not, what right do I have? If got no place to move, don't even thinking about moving out. I keep telling myself just bear for few more years then I can have a whole place on my own. Why need to rush for it? If I moved out now, whole family would blame me for being un-filial daughter. I lose a million ringgit worth of house, and mum might ask her money back from my ASNB. What for?
Sad...It just so sad for me to think this way. At the end, what is real love? That's no real love in this world. Everyone is selfish. All of us only think of ourselves. Whoever is blocking our way, whoever not follow what we want, we dislike them. We use power to control them so they would listen to us. Mum use the power of "this house is belong to me, you must follow my way." That's her love to me. Before this I really think I love my mum. I though to myself I don't mind taking care of her when she is old and need physical help from me. I really though I don't mind. But now I felt her love to me has changed. She likes Sara so much more and she told her everything. I felt betray, I felt hurt, I felt unfair.
I though I would contribute to this house whatever way I can, I though I would sacrifice everything for this family, I though I would help up whatever way I can for this family, But now I don't feel like this anymore. No One would appreciate me....No one would say Thank You....All they want is for me to bear with mum in whatever unreasonable way she wants. It doesn't matter to them that I don't get a fix the light in my own room, It doesn't matter I wants to make the house to a pleasant place to stay. It doesn't matter all the rubbish around the house and messy like rubbish tray.
I hope my next post would be a happier post.....
